


Lies and promises

by SantaMalgastadora



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Blood and Injury, Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, Psychological Torture, Unplanned Pregnancy, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:14:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23516746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SantaMalgastadora/pseuds/SantaMalgastadora
Summary: Back in Vesuvia! Here he was, coming back, again, after he fled - again. And he wasn't quite sure if to return was such a good idea. Again.***I'm sorry for changing the category to a higher one in between chapters but originally I didn't plan more of the story. Now, on your requests, I'm writing it and it's getting really angsty, I'm afraid. I'm raising sensitive topics, so it's for warning and your safety. I hope you'll still be willing to read it and will enjoy it.
Relationships: Apprentice/Julian Devorak
Comments: 16
Kudos: 52





	1. Lies and promises

Back in Vesuvia! With the chilly, salty wind hitting his back and setting sun colouring the sky over the city before him, Julian disembarked, feeling nervous like a pupil on the first day of school. Because here he was, coming back, again, after he fled - again. And he wasn't quite sure if to return was such a good idea. Again.

He sighed, and it went out shaky, but his heart was full of hope. He headed livelily through unchanged docks and familiar streets straight to his flat, wondering if it was even his after all this time, dragging his modest but insanely heavy luggage (that's what happens when one has more books than clothes). But he went on, even ran, lightly, swiftly, despite exhaustion after a few days of constant travel. He burst out laughing at the sight of the building where his flat and clinic used to be a lifetime ago - intact. Very well. After all, South End wasn't in as bad shape as, for instant, Flooded District, and the dear Countess surely decided to turn her attention and effort elsewhere.

Julian rummaged through his bag until he found the key he doubted he'd ever need again, or rather, _dare_ to need again. But here he was, and it slipped in the lock and turned as if the last time he used it was days, not months ago. He stepped inside, and the air was stale and dusty, but otherwise so familiar, so good and heart-warming that Julian forgot for a minute why he left or feared to return at all. But he didn't come back to sit alone at home. He dropped the bags, washed and changed, and burst out into the night. He wanted to see Mazelinka and Pasha more than anything else but it was getting late, and they were surely already asleep, so he rescheduled it for the next day. The second place he wished to visit the most was luckily already waking up at this hour.

He headed to the Rowdy Raven.

There, nothing changed. It could be a few years, days or hours - everything was the same: the dim, golden light, the decadent decor, unique sounds and smells, and most importantly - the beloved, tanked faces, which, as always, greeted him with smiles and raised glasses, and didn't give a flying fuck about him not wearing the eyepatch or gloves, which he stopped after the fateful Masquerade, nearly a year ago.

Again, why did he leave? He was blessed not to remember for a few carefree hours, when he drank and laughed and talked, surrounded by his faithful audience, ever eager to hear from him another exaggerated story.

It was until he felt a pat on the shoulder, short but firm. He turned in his seat, pleasantly oblivious and tipsy, ready to greet another friend. But his gaze fell on [y/n], her fierce eyes and mouth, rosy cheeks, long hair let down and tousled wildly as if she had ran; her ample, cornflower blue cloak buttoned up all the way to her neck, the collar raised. She was standing tall despite her diminutive stature and large, certainly heavy bag hung on her shoulder.

Julian's heart skipped a beat, then hammered sickeningly fast. Thank god he was already a few drinks in and hence, shameless.

He spread his arms, his stein in his hand. "[y/n]! Fancy seeing you here."

Her eyebrows shot up. "Me?" she huffed. "It's not me who's been gone for _five months_!"

The memories from before the five months, so scrupulously pushed to the very back of his mind, so blissfully absent for a few hours, came crashing in. His stomach turned, threatening to get rid of the drinks. He put the stein away with an unintendedly loud bang. "How can I help you?" he uttered coldly.

She put her hand on her hip and fixed the bag, obviously tired, but too proud to put it down. "I want to talk."

Julian leaned on the backrest, too hostile to offer her a seat. "I've got nothing to tell you."

She closed her eyes, seeking patience. "Julian…"

" _And_ " he went on. "I'm really not interested in what you've got to say."

She frowned and pressed her lips together as if stopping herself from crying. "Please?" she breathed.

 _Fuck_ , Julian thought. Fuck his soft heart. It's going to get him killed one day. "Alright," he sighed despite himself. "Talk."

"Not here." She took a quick look at their attentive audience. "Privately. I got a key. Meet me upstairs."

The patrons cheered and whistled, but [y/n] ignored them. Without waiting for Julian to answer, she turned and walked away. Julian hesitated for only a second before he followed her. But not without repeating to his friends the word _privately_ with a wink when she could still hear their laughs.

Upstairs, [y/n] opened the door and walked into the small, basically furnished room: a chair, a wardrobe, a mirror, a narrow bed. She turned on the lights and dropped her bag on the floor with evident relief, stretched her back and rolled her shoulders. She turned to Julian, who closed the door and strolled inside nonchalantly, though fear and anger were already buzzing at the back of his head.

"So, here we are, _privately_ , as you wished," he announced, his voice and smirk dripping with venom. "Now, what do you want? I'm busy."

She grimaced with disdain. "Yes, I saw that."

He didn't need that. "What. Do. You. Want," he repeated impatiently.

"To talk."

"Then talk!" he burst.

[y/n] started but didn't back off. She held his gaze. "Tell me what happened that day."

" _That_ day?" Julian barked out a short, sharp laughter. "Nah, I'll pass. It's one of my least favourite days. Let's talk about a different one."

"Why not?" she insisted. "Do you feel guilty?"

"Guilty? Me?!" he bristled, his hands curling into fists. She had the nerve to tease him. "I swear to god, if you weren't a woman…"

She blinked slowly, seeming unimpressed. "Cut the shit and tell me what happened."

"What do you mean _what happened_?" He was losing his patience. "You know perfectly what the fuck happened!"

"Oh, do I?" she raised her voice as well, not intimidated by him. "Alright, let me think." She tapped her chin mockingly. "I woke up and you were _gone_! And your things were gone, too, and when I was going downstairs to look for you, I only found Asra, who told me that you sneaked out! That you told him you didn't feel about me the way I felt about you and that you prefered to get out of my way! Is that what happened?"

Julian opened his mouth. Then closed it. He just stared at [y/n], wide-eyed, speechless, his bravado gone without a trace. He shook his head in disbelief, feeling bad, feeling _nauseous_.

No.

No, no, he didn't do that, didn't say that. It wasn't like this. It wasn't true. Those were lies. Lies! Why would she lie? No! That's not what happened! Why would she think that? Why would she say that? He didn't do that...

"No?" [y/n] prompted when the silence prolonged. "Then, would you be so kind and share your version with me?"

Julian's gaze fell to the floor. His version? He remembered, very well, though he tried his best to forget. Now, to think about it, to talk about it, felt like prying open a barely healed wound.

When he finally spoke, his voice was quiet and choked. "I… did sneak out. But to get your favourite things for breakfast, some sweets and flowers… To surprise you." He rubbed his neck, already flushed, the colour and heat creeping up to his pale face. "But when I came back, Asra was already waiting for me, with a bag full of my things... my clothes, my notebooks, my quill... He pushed it into my hands and told me you asked him to do it, to tell me that you wanted me gone, to never see me again." He blinked, his eyes suddenly stinging. "He said that I… disappointed you. Bored you." He dared to peek at [y/n]. She wasn't looking at him, her face blank. "I… I didn't want to believe it, I tried to walk past him, to see you, but he wouldn't let me and finally, talked me out of it."

[y/n] listened to him carefully. When he finished, her eyes, though glistening with tears, narrowed dangerously. "Is that it?" she hissed. "Is that all it took?"

He looked at her, fully at last, brows knit together in anger meddling with the unhealed hurt. "He said you didn't want me anymore. He told me to just get over you."

"He lied!"

"Well, now I know!"

[y/n] snorted and turned around. She walked away as far as that stupid, tiny room let her. "I can't believe he convinced you," she murmured.

"It seems he convinced you, too!" he snarled, baring his teeth.

"No! No, he didn't! Not so quickly!" She came up to him, not scared of him, looked him straight in the eyes. "I dressed up and ran out on the street like a lunatic, I looked for you everywhere! But you were already gone! You went right to the docks and took the first ship to go, didn't you?"

She managed to intimidate him. He looked away. "Almost…"

She stomped childishly. First tears betrayed her and spilled on her cheeks. " _Fuck_! Julian!"

"What was I supposed to do, huh?!" he snapped at her, taking a step closer and looking down at her. "Yes, I believed Asra! What an idiot, aren't I?" he chuckled darkly. "I believed your closest friend when he said that his dear apprentice and the only person in this god damned city I truly cared for _got bored of me_! I did! Because by some miracle, he knew exactly what to say to smash my _famous_ , _unyielding_ confidence into pieces!" he yelled, making her twitch.

She blinked and more tears escaped her.

It didn't go unnoticed.

Julian hesitated, raised his hand, but put it down and stepped away. "Sorry," he murmured. He ran his fingers through his hair. "See, that day, I just… It broke me. What Asra said, that you cut me out like that... I lost my mind, [y/n]," he confessed, his voice on the verge of breaking. "I just dropped in to Mazelinka's, said goodbye and yeah, took the first ship. I needed to go, to forget, I did my best to forget."

[y/n] huffed. "I bet you did."

Julian scowled at her, though he bit his lip to stop it from trembling. He closed his eyes and sighed. "Yeah, well, then you'll be satisfied that I couldn't. I came back because what difference did it make _where_ I couldn't stop thinking about you."

[y/n] peeked up at him, a flash of hope in her eyes.

It disappeared when Julian continued: "But I see now it was just another mistake."

[y/n] turned away, hiding how her face contorted with pain. But she took a deep, shaky breath and faced Julian again.

When if not now?

"Better sit down," she advised, unbuttoning her cloak.

"No, seriously. It- It was a mistake." He headed towards the door. "A mistake to come back, to come here, to talk to you… No, please, don't undress, I'm leaving already. I'll leave right away, I promise. I haven't even unpacked yet, so I'll just… just…" he trailed off as [y/n] opened the cloak, shook it off and threw it on the bed.

The slight roundness of her stomach under her loose dress was almost, _almost_ invisible. But she stroked it and put her hands under the swell - the gesture unambiguous.

All of the sudden, Julian was hot, very hot; suddenly breathless. His knees went soft, and he almost missed the chair when they gave up underneath him.

"I told you to sit down," [y/n] reminded him, sounding annoyed.

He just kept staring at her belly. "Are you- " he choked out. "I mean, are you…? Are you...?"

"Yes, _doctor_ , I am."

"Is it… I mean, when…? For… For how long?"

She narrowed her eyes at him and crossed her arms, bringing the belly out even more. "Take a wild guess," she hissed. "Do you really think I came here, alone, in the middle of the night, after all this time, just to say _hi_?"

He shook his head, still not meeting her gaze. He was twisting his fingers nervously. "Is it…" He swallowed, looking sick. "Is it…?"

"Is it _yours_? Damn, Julian! Connect the dots!"

He dropped his head in his hands and rubbed his face. "I'm just trying… I mean, it's been five months and you're… it's… it seems" He waved vaguely towards her, her belly. " _tiny_."

"I _am_ tiny!" she growled. "What do you want to say? That I got pregnant _after_ you left and now, I'm trying to what? Frame you? Why would I bother?!" she screamed, her voice rising hysterically, tears filling her eyes, threatening to spill again.

He shook his head, looking completely lost and embarrassed. "No, please, sorry, I'm just… just trying to think."

"What's there to think about?!"

"[y/n], please, understand. You're… a beautiful woman and, forgive me, but I'm sure you... had other lovers. After me."

Blood shot to [y/n]'s face, and she tensed and pressed her lips together as if to stop a nasty curse. That's why Julian was even more surprised to see her squeeze her eyes shut and tears run freely down her heated cheeks. His heart clenched painfully hard, leaving him out of breath for a second, and he was making a move towards her, when she wiped them away furiously and sat heavily on the bed. "No, I didn't."

"Oh."

"Do you kindly believe me now?"

"Yes, I do. I'm sorry."

She snorted, then sniffled. "Why, I should apologise. I ruined your evening, your great return, _fuck_ , probably your life, too, huh."

"Don't say that," he said softly but firmly, catching her gaze. He shook his head. "It's not true."

[y/n] looked up at him, her eyes big and wet. And when Julian offered her a small smile, it was enough. Her face crumpled, her shoulders shook, and with her hands on her mouth, she burst into tears.

It was enough for Julian, too.

Before he thought, led by instinct, he crossed the room in two long steps and pulled [y/n] into his arms. "No, please, darling, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry," he whispered urgently into her hair, words pouring out of him. "It's fine, my dearest, it's going to be fine, you'll see. Everything's going to be fine, I'll make sure of it, I promise, I promise…"

In his embrace, his warmth, with his sweet words repeated over and over again into her ear, [y/n] melted. She leaned into him, put her head on his chest and cried as he held her, swayed her gently, stroked her arm and back. She was calming down slowly.

"It's alright, my dear," he cooed even when she silenced. "It's alright now."

She shook her head, playing with the hem of his collar. "It's _not_!" She sniffled and wiped her nose with her sleeve. She sighed brokenly, slumping in his arms.

"It will be, you'll see, I promise. I promise you this, [y/n]," he repeated firmly.

She didn't answer. She raised her head from his chest and smoothed her hand over his shirt. "I'm so sorry, I cried all over you."

He put his hand on the side of her head and pressed a kiss to her temple. "Don't worry, darling, it's nothing."

Without a word, she took a long, trembling breath in and released it slowly, steadily, once again brushing her palm over the wet spot, drying it with a warm whisper of her magic.

Julian gasped, taken by surprise, then chuckled, shaking his head. Their eyes met - his overflowed now, his lips trembling. "God, I missed you so much," he breathed.

[y/n] crumbled all over again and she fell back into Julian's arms, wrapping hers around him, too, and he broke and burst into tears. They held one another, so hard, painfully hard, as close as they could, kissing each other's shoulders, necks, cheeks streaked with tears, temples, hair, until their lips found each other, too, and they kissed, and kissed, and kissed, so gently, innocently, reverently, finally, at last, healing. When they parted, out of air, out of tears, they remained embraced, breathing deeply, waiting for their racing heartbeats to slow down. [y/n] leaned her head on Julian's shoulder, nuzzling his neck with her nose, her wet eyes closed. Her hand rested on his breastbone, feeling his heart and breath. Julian hugged his cheek to her hair, placing a soft kiss on her forehead every now and then, pressing her tight to his chest every once in a while.

"You ran away, didn't you?" he asked suddenly, looking at her bag.

She just nodded.

"Was he mad when he found out about…?"

She shook her head. "He didn't- " she replied hoarsely. She cleared her throat and sniffled, rubbed her nose. "He doesn't know. I did whatever I could to hide it, for as long as I could."

"Why?"

"Why...?" she repeated incredulously, her voice strangled. A sob escaped her lips, and she covered her mouth to stop another wave of tears.

Julian gathered her into his arms. "Oh no, no, no, darling! I'm sorry, so sorry! What did I say? I'm sorry, so sorry!"

She kept shaking her head, clinging to him. "I'm scared!" she choked out. "I'm scared of him, of what he might do… I'm even more scared now when I know for sure what he's done to us! He _lied_ ! He… _tricked_ us! Made us hate each other, made _you_ leave! I don't know what else he might do to keep you away from me."

Julian didn't answer, just held her closer.

"I'm scared" she added slowly after a moment. "of what he might do about your child growing in me."

Julian closed his eyes and pressed his lips to her hair, breathing through his nose, struggling to stay calm. "Nothing," he hissed fiercely. "He'll do nothing. He won't lay a finger on you, I won't let him."

They stayed like this for another silent moment, just calming down. Just being close.

"Why does he have to be like this?" [y/n] murmured against his neck. "Why does he hate you so much?"

"I don't know, darling. I'm sorry."

"He used to be my friend. He used to be good to me."

"He thinks he's being good."

"But it's not right!"

"Of course not, sweetheart." He stooped, kissed her cheek, kissed away the tear that rolled down, wiped her chin with his thumb. "What can I do for you, my darling? How can I help? I'll do anything, anything you want, just say a word, and consider it done."

[y/n] hesitated, seeking honesty in his eyes. "Really...?"

"But of course! I won't let him hurt you again. I'll do everything, just ask."

"I… I can't come back home," she admitted quietly.

"Stay at my place," he replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Or we can stay here, or I can take you anywhere you want. To the palace, to Pasha, to Maz, anywhere. Anywhere you'll feel safe."

"No, please!" She gripped his hands, hers cold with fear of letting him out of her sight. "Take me with you. Just… Don't leave me, please."

"Of course. Don't worry, my love, I won't. I never will." He brought her hands to his lips and kissed them.

[y/n] leaned her forehead against his. They just breathed, calming down. Then, Julian moved an inch away. He smiled bravely and kissed her cheek.

"Let's go. No point in sitting here."

[y/n] nodded, and they stood up, slowly, holding each other, still feeling weak. He helped her into her cloak, and when she was buttoning it up, he heaved her bag.

He reached out to her. "Ready, darling?"

She wrapped herself around his arm and nodded.

They left the room and walked down the stairs. Julian's company was still at the table and greeted them with cheers and concerned questions:

"Back so soon?"

"Someone looks tired!"

"What have you been doing? You can barely walk!"

Julian smiled sourly. "Thanks, guys. In fact, we're going to head out." He waved at the groans of disappointment, putting on his coat. "I know, I know, sorry. But what if I buy you a round" He fished a coin out of his pocket and tossed it to one of the patrons. They cheered again and the closest ones patted his back. "and you forget that [y/n] and I were here tonight?" he finished with a wink.

"I won't tell if you won't tell my wife," one offered.

"I cross my heart and hope to die," Julian swore.

"One more drink and I'll forget that even I was here," another confessed. "Good luck, kids."

Julian squeezed their shoulder, then took [y/n]'s hand and led her out of the bar. Dark, cold winter air grasped them the moment they stepped on the street, and [y/n] would've shivered if Julian haven't swept her under his vast coat.

He looked around cautiously. "Should I be alert?"

"I don't think so. He's gone to the palace for a few days. He's working with Nadia."

"Good. No hurry, then." He offered her a soft smile and [y/n] managed to smile back, making his mauled heart mend a bit.

They walked through the night, through deserted streets in no hurry then. The chilly air didn't bother them - they had each other's warmth. It felt good.

It wasn't over, though.

"How did you find out that something was off about… that day?" Julian asked suddenly.

"I ran into Mazelinka some time ago," [y/n] explained. "She didn't hesitate to scold me for breaking up with you the way I supposedly did."

Julian rubbed her shoulder. "I'm so sorry for her. She can be harsh."

"No, don't be. She didn't know the truth and she loves you. It was only natural for her to take it out on me. Luckily, it made me understand that there was more than just my truth." She peeked up at him. "And she told me you were coming back."

Julian bent and pecked her waiting lips.

"Did you talk to him about it?"

"Of course not, not at all. It was obvious it was his doing since it wasn't me who hurt you, like Mazelinka claimed."

Julian sighed heavily. "He lost his mind."

"He warned me about you" she went on. "all the time when we were seeing each other. He kept saying you were no good for me, that you were going to hurt me…"

Julian silenced for a long time. His grip on her went bruisingly tight. He drew in an uneven breath. "I'm so sorry, [y/n]," he choked out. "If I… If I didn't let him convince me, if I just spoke to you then… Fuck! Why didn't I? _Why_? What an idiot!"

"No. Don't." She stopped abruptly and faced him, shaking her head, panic rising in her big eyes. "Please, don't blame yourself."

He nodded, but looked away and shook his head as his face crumpled, as his voice hitched.

"No, Julian, darling, don't," [y/n] gasped, climbing on the tiptoes and winding her arms around his neck. "Don't you blame yourself! It wasn't your fault! He lied to both of us."

"But he didn't fool _you_ ," he sobbed.

"He did! At last, he did." She moved away and took his face in her hands. "He made me hate you, said terrible things about you, coaxed me to forget you, and I tried, I really did! But I couldn't. Not when I realised I was with child…"

Julian hunched like under a great burden. He covered his face with his hand, the other clenched on [y/n]'s cloak. "You were alone with this," he whimpered. "I… I had no idea. I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I should have been with you. God, if I knew…"

"Hush, silly!" She wiped his tears away with her hands. "Of course you didn't know! You couldn't know and can't blame yourself for that!"

"But you were alone! My sweet darling, you shouldn't have been… I didn't want you to be, not with this, not like this, never, ever! How could I…? How could I…?"

"Hush now," she repeated more firmly, craned her neck and shut him up with a kiss.

Julian sighed into it, shivered, not with cold, though. He leaned closer, wound his arms around her and kissed her back as well as he could, slowly, firmly, holding her like she was the most precious thing in the world.

When they pulled away, [y/n] managed to smile. "I'm not alone anymore, am I?"

He shook his head feverishly. "No. No, you're not. My darling, my heart, you'll never be alone again. My love, you've got me, all of me, forever."

They stood, under his coat, foreheads pressed together, with [y/n] drying his cheeks.

"Stop crying, sweetie," she cooed. "You'll get a frostbite."

Julian sniffled and laughed sheepishly. "You're right. Let's go. Before you freeze, too, my dear."

His flat wasn't far. They walked inside and climbed upstairs. Julian apologised his guts out for the mess and cold, and [y/n] had to pull him down for another kiss to stop this madness. While he rushed to make the bed, she lit a fire in the fireplace. Thanks to mutual effort, before they lied down, the flat got warm and cozy. And it was warm and cozy when they cuddled, with [y/n] curled with her back against Julian's chest, his arm under her head, his thighs under hers. He embraced her, incredulous, nuzzled her neck, placed soft kisses over and over again on her shoulder, cheek, temple… Just to make sure she really was there. At last. After all this time. All this wasted time.

She turned her face to him, cupped his cheek. "What is it? I can hear you think."

He smiled and pressed a kiss to her lips. "Witch," he murmured.

"What is it, love? Talk to me."

He snuggled closer to her, hiding his face in her hair, pressing his lips together to stop them from trembling. "I'm so angry," he breathed. "I've wasted the last few months hating you. And myself. Without a true reason." He paused to take a deep breath. "It makes me furious. It's so unfair. This time was stolen from us. We could've been happy, [y/n]."

She gripped his forearm across her chest, squeezing her newly tearing eyes. "I know. Me too. I'm angry, too."

"And I'm angry I Ieft you to live with that psycho. I can't imagine how scared you must've been."

[y/n] took a shaky breath, breathed out slowly. "But I'm not anymore." She held his wrist and moved his hand to her belly, inviting him to feel it, and Julian crumbled. [y/n] shushed him, stroked his face tenderly, wiped the tears away, whispering sweet nothings, and their fingers entwined on her stomach.

"I wish you could've told me in a different way," he confessed. "A normal way."

"Me too, sweetheart."

He hugged her tight. An amused snort escaped him. "I would probably almost end up on the floor like I did today," he mused. "But then, I would sweep you in my arms and spin us around, and kiss you, and laugh, and tell you over and over how much I love you. Because you'd make me the happiest man under the sun."

[y/n] faced him again and they shared another kiss, this one longer, deeper.

"I hate it that we were deprived of this moment," Julian murmured against her cheek after they parted. "And many others. I'd love to see everything. I'd love to watch you change."

"You'd take notes," she noticed bitterly, smiling, making him laugh.

"Yes, sorry. I bet you'd hate it."

"It would make me feel like a lab rat."

"Yes, I know, sorry. But I'd be at your beck and- No, I _am_ at your beck and call. Day and night. I'll do everything, go anywhere, for anything, my dearest."

[y/n] smiled and smiled, she couldn't stop, squeezing his hand in hers, snuggling back to him. "You know, sometimes, I do wake up wanting milk or bread and butter or something like that."

"I'll steal a cow and rob Selasi for you," he swore and added when [y/n] laughed: "He won't mind! He loves you."

"Would you really?" she chuckled, making Julian's heart soar. "In the middle of the night?"

"Sure. You know I don't sleep, so what problem would that be for me?"

"You should sleep from time to time, my dear freak."

"And miss more moments? No, thanks."

She shook her head, beaming. "I'll be pregnant for a while longer, silly. There will be many, many moments more for you to enjoy."

"Promise?" he asked, catching her eye, smiling at seeing her smile.

"Of course, love. We'll be fine. We will. I believe it again."

"I know we will. And you'll be safe, I'll make sure of it. I'll never let go of you again. I'll never doubt again."

"I won't give you any reason to doubt."

"I know."

And so, back in Vesuvia, with the past behind them and a future in their arms, they fell asleep, at last, peaceful.


	2. A snake in the grass

Morning came hastily. [y/n] stirred uneasily next to Julian, waking him up. He sucked in a sharp, deep breath - full of the wonderful scent of her skin and hair. He snuggled closer to her, to the warmth of her body, to feel it, to make sure she was real and what he remembered from last night wasn't just a foolish dream. But she was there, solid, soft and hot, and she sighed in his embrace and turned towards him, threw an arm over his waist and nuzzled his neck. He hugged her as firmly as he dared feeling the precious swell of her belly pressed to his stomach. He moved his hand to it and stroked it gently, still amazed that it was there, that she was here - in his arms, in his bed, in his life again, with a brand new one on its way.

He rendered a kiss on her forehead. "Good morning, my darling."

She looked up at him, a sweet, sleepy smile on her face. "Hello."

"How are you feeling?" he asked, brushing her hair behind her ear.

The smile tensed a little on her lips. "Better. And you?"

He didn't notice it, though, and pressed another kiss to her forehead. "So much better." He pulled away to look into her beautiful face, gently traced her features with his fingers to admire it, remember it, making her smile, making him smile. "I think I didn't have nightmares for the first time in months."

"Good, I'm glad."

"And for the first time in months, I've got hope and believe it's going to be alright."

To this, she didn't answer. Her eyes fled away from his.

Julian frowned. "What is it?"

She shook her head, bit her lip. For a split second she looked like she might cry, and it made Julian's pulse jump in panic.

"My love! What's wrong?"

"I'm... I'm still scared!" she choked out. "I can't stop thinking… I barely slept. I'm scared of what will happen now when- when you're back, when I can't hide…" She threw an accusing glare downwards. "... _ this _ anymore. I'm scared of Asra, how he'll react, what he'll do…"

"Oh no, my darling, no, hush," he cooed, pulling her into a protective embrace. He shook his head. "He won't do anything. He won't lay a finger on you, I swear. He won't hurt you. He'll have to go through me first."

"But I don't want him to go through you!" She drew away abruptly from his arms and sat up on the edge of the bed, her back to him. She sighed shakily, putting her head in her hands. "I don't want him to hurt you, I don't want you to hurt him, I… I don't want all of this. I just want this nightmare to be over. I'm so tired, Julian! I… I..." She silenced for a moment, forcing down a sob. "I'm tired…"

He sat up, too, his face contorted with worry. He tentatively stroked her back. "I know, my dearest, I do." When she didn't protest, he moved closer to her and kissed her shoulder. "Please don't cry." He pecked her cheek. "It can be over, love. Today, right now, if you want, you know."

She wiped her eyes and looked at him, brows furrowed. "How...?"

"We can leave. I'm still packed, you're packed. We can dress up, go to the docks, board the first ship. By the end of the day we could be… in Prakra if you like. Doctor Satrinava would be happy to see us. Or halfway to Nevivon. I've renewed some acquaintances there, we'd be welcomed with open arms."

She gave it a quick thought, then shook her head. "No, I can't," she breathed. "I can't run away, I don't want to. It would be- I won't- I- "

"Alright, alright, we'll stay," he agreed quickly at hearing her break up again. He moved to sit next to her, to wrap an arm around her trembling shoulders. He took her hand in his and brought it to his lips. "I'll keep you safe wherever you want, my darling. Here too."

She leaned into him, calming down. She put her head on his shoulder, and he embraced her dearly.

"I can't believe this…" she went on. "Asra is my- " She swallowed hard. "...used to be my friend. He- He… He's done so much for me. He gave up half of his heart to bring me back."

"I know, darling. But it doesn't mean you belong to him now."

"I know it doesn't. But for some reason, he decided I was better off without you, and I had to hide…  _ it _ from him." Her voice turned smaller and thinner as she spoke until it broke and she shook again as Julian hugged her tighter and pressed a kiss to her hair. "You know," She sniffled. "Sometimes, I wonder why I even bother."

They sat in silence for a while. When he felt her relax, he kissed her again and questioningly moved his hand to her belly. In answer, she just covered it with his. He put his cheek on her head, and she nuzzled his neck as he absentmindedly rubbed the swell with his thumb.

Suddenly, she pulled away and looked at him. "What is it?"

He feigned surprise. "What?"

"I can hear you think again. What's wrong?"

"Apart from the obvious?" he joked, earning a displeased look from her. His face fell, and he stared at their hands. He sighed heavily. "It's nothing, really. I was just wondering."

"I'm sick of doubts and secrets, Julian. Tell me."

"It's just…" He sighed again. "You know, given the circumstances of our… parting, I can imagine you were not exactly… thrilled to find out." He peeked at her. "That you were pregnant."

Her eyes went wide, and she looked away, colour draining from her face. She moved her hand away from his.

Julian watched her. His heart twisted with pain. "[y/n]? Do you even want to keep it?"

She shook her head, then shrugged. "It's a bit too late to change my mind, isn't it?"

"It… doesn't answer my question."

"What do you want me to say?" she snapped at him. "That I do want it? That I  _ was _ thrilled to find out? That I can't wait to have it?"

He took his hands off of her, feeling miserable and scared, but he held her gaze. "I just want you to tell me the truth."

"You won't like it."

"I don't care. I want to know."

She looked away again and it took her a moment to gather her thoughts. "I was terrified when I realised what had been going on with me," she began, voice low, almost blank. "I was petrified, I remember I sat on the bathroom floor for hours, staring into space, not able to think or decide what I felt. I cried for hours everyday because I hated you so much already and I came to hate you even more for leaving me with such a  _ souvenir _ ," she spat the word out, making Julian stir nervously at her side. "All I wanted was to forget you, to get you out of my heart, my mind, so imagine how I felt when I found you in my body."

"I… I can't. Fuck, I'm so sorry..."

"But for some reason," she went on. "when Asra asked me what was wrong with me, I lied. And I kept lying up till now."

"Mother's instinct."

She shrugged. "I guess."

"Did you… try? To… end it?"

She was silent for a long while. "I did some research," she admitted. "I read the recipes for potions and instructions for rituals so many times I learned them by heart. I kept dreaming about them, it was driving me crazy. I bought necessary ingredients a couple of times. Once, when Asra was away, I even brewed a potion. I kept it hidden for over a week, took it out a few times a day, stared at it, but I could never bring myself to drink it and threw it away at last."

Julian peeked at her, not sure if he was supposed to feel relieved or disappointed. But her face said nothing. "I'm so sorry," he repeated then.

She snorted. "Why, don't you want it?"

"I…" he hesitated. It seemed to be a tricky question. "I think I do. I mean," He rubbed his neck burning under her gaze. "if it went differently, if we could choose, I wouldn't start a family so soon but… Since it happened… And you decided to keep it… Then I'll do my best to take care of you and the child."

She didn't say anything. Her face expressed nothing.

Julian stared down at his hands, twisting his fingers. Was his answer correct? "Unless you don't want to keep it," he added.

She frowned. "What do you mean?"

The answer to this was easy, so he dared meet her eyes. "I want you to be happy. And I hate how much you had to go through because I wasn't careful or brave enough. I'll do anything to make it up to you. I'll do anything to make you happy."

It was her turn to hesitate. "It's the fifth month…"

"Doesn't matter." He moved to kneel in front of her and took her hands in his, making her look at him. "I love you, and if you don't want it, just say so and I'll take care of the rest."

She blinked, searching his eyes, weighing his words. "Would you really?"

"Yes."

"You seemed so excited about it last night."

"It doesn't matter what I think or how I feel about it. All I care for is for you to be happy." He kissed her hands with reverence. "I mean it, my love, I do. I just want what's best for you."

She nodded. She didn't answer. 

"Darling?" Julian prompted. 

She met his gaze. "I…" She blinked and frowned, biting her lip. "I'll think about it. I don't know yet if I want it but… Could I get rid of it? I- I don't know. I won't tell you now. It's- It's been too much, it's- I'm- "

"Alright, love, alright," he interrupted her softly when her voice rose. He kissed her knuckles again. "Take your time. We'll do whatever you'll decide."

"Just…" She gripped his hands. "Just be there for me, okay?"

"Of course. I won't let you down, never again." He straightened up, cupped her cheek, and she leaned in to kiss him. They shared a smile when they parted. "Come on, you must be hungry. I'll take you for breakfast."

***

Julian took her to a cozy, little bakery in the South End.

"What would you like, my dear?"

"Just tea, please."

His eyes went wide, then he laughed. "Not on my watch, no."

He ordered a pot of tea for her and of coffee for himself, and enough food to feed an army. He urged [y/n] to eat, and she tried, despite her stomach twisted with fear. In fact, both of them were stressed out and they hardly talked as they pretended to eat. 

"Julian?" she spoke suddenly. 

His eyes shot to hers and he immediately plastered a grin to his face. He squeezed her hand on the table. "Yes, my love?"

"I can hear you think again," she murmured with an apologetic smile.

He chuckled. "I've been accused of many things but never of thinking, and it's the third time you tell me I'm doing it too loudly." He pecked the top of her hand and winked. "You flatter me, darling."

"I'm sorry, it's just…" She gestured vaguely towards his head. "You're buzzing, your aura is literally trembling with it. Something's bothering you, I can tell."

"Nah! I'm not bothered. I've got a couple of visits to pay, that's all. I'm thinking about how to arrange them."

"Oh." Her brows shot up. A nervous blush crept up her neck as she shrunk in her seat. "Right. Of course. I forgot."

"And…" he hesitated. "I'd love to take you with me."

The blush reached her cheeks. Her hand clenched in his and she blinked and drew a too slow, too deep breath.

He took it in both his and kissed it again, eyeing [y/n] worriedly. "Darling, you've got nothing to be scared of."

"No?" she snorted mirthlessly. "Don't you know what they think about me? Mazelinka almost spit on the ground when we ran into each other that time, and Portia hasn't spoken to me since you left."

"But now we know the truth! We'll explain and they'll support us."

"You're probably right." She nodded, staring at the table. "But they'll condemn Asra instead…"

"Yes, well… He's got only himself to blame."

"I guess."

He leaned to her and kissed her forehead. He smiled warmly. "You're an angel," he whispered, caressing her knuckles with his thumb. "You pity him even when you know what he's done."

She only hummed without conviction.

Julian saddened. He sighed. "You don't have to go with me if you don't want to. You can wait at my place and- "

"No!" She shook her head frantically. "No, I don't want to be alone. I'll go."

"Are you sure? You don't have to. I'll make it quick."

"I know, I know but… I really don't want to stay alone. Not yet. Not so soon."

"Alright. Don't worry, it's alright." He opened his arms for her, and she eagerly let him hug her. "I won't leave you, don't worry. And please, trust me. We'll explain everything to Maz and Pasha and they'll understand. It's going to be okay, you'll see, I promise."

[y/n] nodded, more or less convinced. They tried again to eat some more but soon gave up. Julian paid, gallantly offered [y/n] his arm and they set off to Mazelinka's. [y/n] shivered the whole way despite her cloak and (after the second time Julian asked her if she was cold and her negative answer) his coat around her, his arm rubbing her shoulder and his warm side pressed flush to hers.

"Oh darling…" he'd groan softly every now and then, looking down at her, brows furrowed worriedly, when she'd tremble or wipe away a tear. "Are you sure you want to go with me? You really don't have to. It costs you too much."

"No, I do, I have to go. I'm sick of hiding and of being scared. I want to face them, like I faced you yesterday. It has to end."

He bent to kiss her forehead. "I'm proud of you," he whispered. "I love you."

She looked up and managed to smile at him. Since then, she wasn't shivering so bad.

At least not until they reached Mazelinka's hut. Instinctively, abruptly, she stopped, tugging on Julian's waist. He turned to her, frowning again.

"Just…" she choked out. "Just kiss me before we go in."

He did so without a second of hesitation, kissed her with all the love and desire he had for her, held her tightly under the warm expanse of his coat, hoping to fend her fear away. "Don't be scared, my darling," he breathed against her lips. "We're on the right track. And whatever happens, I've got you, I promise. I'll be holding your hand the whole time."

She looked up into his eyes, found no doubt there. She craned her neck to kiss him one more time. "Let's go."

Julian flashed her a warm smile, then they approached the hut and he knocked, squeezing her hand just like he promised. They heard some shuffling, a banging of a wood against metal, then steps and annoyed grunting. The door swung open.

Mazelinka's eyes went round and promptly filled with tears. "Ilya!" she snapped at him.

"Sorry to come like this,  _ through the door _ . I know it's too much of a surprise," Julian said with a roguish smirk.

"Ha!" she huffed. "You silly, silly boy! Come here already!" She raised her arms to him and he bent into the hug, embracing her back with one hand. "You rascal! When did you come back? Why didn’t you write to me?" She pulled away and tugged him on the ear, way too gently for it to be a punishment but Julian stooped and yelped anyway, just to give her the satisfaction.

"Only last night, my dear. I know, I know, I should've written to you first. But it was a spontaneous decision, you know me. I would've arrived long before the letter."

"Oh, do I! Well enough to know you've already gotten yourself in trouble!" Her fierce eyes at last turned to [y/n] standing stiffly, half-hidden behind Julian's back. She levelled her with a hostile gaze. "What are you doing here with  _ her _ , boy?! I didn't raise you to be a fool who crawls back to people who did him so wrong! How dare you bring this- !"

"No, no, please, wait," he interrupted her, feeling [y/n] huddle at his side. "It wasn't like I told you. It wasn't [y/n]'s fault."

Mazelinka narrowed her eyes at her, then at him. "What the bloody hell are you talking about? What did you do again?"

"Please, Maz, I'll explain everything but can we come in? We're freezing out here."

She grimaced and grunted but then stepped inside. "Just come in already. You're letting the cold in."

Julian turned to [y/n], flashed her an encouraging smile. "Don't be afraid," he whispered and brought her hand to his lips before gently pulling her into the hut and closing the door.

Inside, it was warm and cozy and smelled of herbs and good, homemade food, just like [y/n] remembered. Mazelinka was with her back to them, changing a cauldron with soup for a kettle over the fire. Julian offered [y/n] to take her cloak, but she wrapped her arms around her, gathered it over her belly and shook her head.

He saddened. He leaned in to kiss her forehead. "Don't be afraid, love," he whispered again, and [y/n] was pretty sure she heard Mazelinka huff at that. "You don't need to hide it here."

"Hide what?" Mazelinka snapped, turning to them, carrying three mugs and a teapot to the table.

[y/n] stared at the floor, feeling her face burn. Julian's arm tightened around her shoulders as he led her to sit on a bench at the table. 

"Maybe we'll start from the beginning, alright, dear?" Julian grinned at Mazelinka.

Maybe it was the sitting position, maybe the way the cloak wrinkled, maybe something else, but her gaze fell straight to [y/n]'s belly anyway. She looked surprised for a split second, then rolled her eyes and sighed deeply. But she didn't say anything, though questions rambled in her head loud enough for [y/n] to notice and fluster with shame. But Mazelinka only turned to the fireplace, took the kettle off of the fire and poured the boiling water into the teapot.

"Alright." She took a seat across from them. "From the beginning then."

Julian rendered the story they themselves discovered merely half a day earlier. It was surprisingly concise and truthful, and he was done before the tea brewed. The whole time, he was squeezing [y/n]'s hands in his under the table.

Mazelinka frowned and hummed as if deciding if to believe him. She eyed [y/n] crying silently with her head on his shoulder. "Asra?" she murmured, pouring them tea. "He did seem to me to be a little trickster but… not this spiteful. Is this true, girl?"

[y/n] flinched and looked her in the eye for the first time since they came. She swallowed. "I wish it wasn't."

Her frown deepened, she hummed and thrummed her fingers on the table. Having made up her mind, she stood up, walked past Julian and slapped him across the back of his head. "That's for being a coward and a fool!" she informed him. Julian didn't make a sound, only rubbed his head and blushed. Then, she sat down next to [y/n] and pulled her into a motherly hug. "You poor thing," she cooed, and [y/n] promptly melted into her wide, soft bosom and sobbed. "Look what these stupid boys did to you! Why didn’t you tell me? I would've beaten some sense into both of them a long time ago. Oh, child, did I scare you back then? But you know I love you, sweetie! Oh, there, there, hush now. It's going to be okay now. Here, drink your tea. Are you hungry? Have you eaten? Has she eaten, Ilya?" she snapped at him, making him flinch.

"Yes!" he rushed to assure her. "Yes, we had breakfast."

She grunted in response, only half-convinced. "Have some tea, sweetie," she turned back to [y/n], running her fingers through her hair in a tender caress. "The soup will be ready in a second. You'll eat, you'll feel better, hm?"

"Actually…" she mumbled, sniffling, touching her nose sheepishly. "I'd like to… use the bathroom. If I may. Please."

"But of course, love!" She jumped to her feet and held [y/n]'s hand as she was standing up. "Here." She allowed herself to unbutton her cloak and take it off of her. "Before you get too hot! Why didn’t this stupid boy take your coat? Shame on you, Ilya!"

He opened his mouth but closed it and just pouted. It was [y/n]'s turn to give him a little, reassuring smile, which he returned with gratitude.

"Maz, I'm really trying my best to fix this," he whispered when [y/n] went out. "I do realise what a mess I've made. You can't imagine how guilty I feel, how ashamed I am… If I- If I only knew..." he trailed off and sighed, slumping with his head in his hands. "I would never do this to her. I loved her. I still do. I love her so much."

"I know, dear," Mazelinka said softly, drawing his attention with the sudden change of tone. She reached under her shawl and fished out a faded silver necklace with a ring threaded on it. She undid it and slid the ring on her hand, then reached across the table for Julian's and put it in his palm. "Do the right thing."

He stared at the ring. The silver was faded and scratched after decades of wearing, but the gemstone was as shiny and lovely as ever. "But you got it from Lilinka. I- I can't- " he stammered, making a move to give it back.

Mazelinka took his hand in hers and closed it around the ring. "We agreed a long time ago that it would go to you, for your beloved. And [y/n] is a good girl and loves you, too. And you're going to be parents, and this baby will need a safe, peaceful home. I know it's not you who started this mess but it's up to you to set things straight."

Julian squeezed his hand and covered Mazelinka's with his other one. He broke into a shy smile. "Thanks," he choked out.

"You know I'm proud of you, right?"

He chuckled soundlessly, blinked quickly and nodded. "I do now."

"I've always been, silly boy."

"Thank you."

Then, they heard [y/n]'s soft steps. Julian straightened up and discreetly slipped the ring into his breast pocket. "How are you, darling?" He stood up and flashed her a smile.

"A little better." Her eyes were still slightly red but her face was dry and hair fixed. She took his hand, and they sat down. "I'm so sorry, Mazelinka."

"But for what?" Her brows shot up. "Now, now, child, don't be silly. You've done nothing wrong, apart from letting that devil deceive you. But who would blame you." She stood up and walked up to the fireplace, to the cauldron of soup she put back over the fire after the water had boiled. She grabbed a ladle from above the mantelpiece and two bowls from the cupboard, and poured into them two heartfelt portions. "Here." She served the soup. "Eat up."

"Maz," Julian protested. "I told you we've eaten."

"Yes, yes, sure." She waved him off. "I know how you kids eat. Now, shut up and dig in."

Julian turned to [y/n], seeking support, but he saw her eating, already half-way through her bowl. "Um… Of course. Thanks."

Mazelinka grunted in response. She beamed at [y/n]. "More, sweetie?"

"Oh, no, no. Thank you." She pushed the empty bowl towards her. "But it was delicious, thank you."

"You're very much welcome." She took it from her and stood up, shooting Julian a glare. "Is this how you feed her?"

He stilled with his spoon mid-way to his mouth and gasped with outrage.

But [y/n] squeezed his hand under the table. "He tried his best. He bought me enough food to feed an army," she told Mazelinka, and she only grunted in response. "But I was so nervous I could barely look at it."

"Well, I'm glad you're feeling better now, dearie." Mazelinka left [y/n]'s bowl in the sink, then turned back to them. "Come on, Ilya, eat! You look like a shadow of yourself. And you've still got to visit Pasha, don't you?"

"That's right," he confirmed, shoveling the soup into his mouth to just  _ have eaten _ already.

"Then eat! Stop dawdling, child! She's your sister. She missed you, too!"

He rolled his eyes, his mouth full. He swallowed quickly. "I have arrived literally twelve hours ago and barely slept since just to-"

Mazelinka pointed a finger at him accusingly. "And you don't sleep again!"

Julian spread his arms. "That's not what I said!"

"You better stop back-talking, young man. You shouldn't have left at all. Now, finish your food and go explain yourself to your sister. Chop-chop."

Julian pouted. He stirred the soup half-heartedly. "Make her stop," he murmured to [y/n] with a corner of his mouth.

She chuckled and rubbed his thigh. "We just missed you," she told Mazelinka. "Especially your soup. He's savouring it."

Mazelinka laughed and scooted close to her on the bench again and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, kissing her temple. "I missed you, too, sweeties. Honestly, I barely believed Ilya when he told me what you did."

Julian frowned. " _ Thanks _ , Maz."

"And I'm so happy it wasn't true," she went on, unperturbed. "And you're having a baby!" She stroked [y/n]'s belly so very gently. "That's just wonderful! That's exactly what this silly, slippery boy needs to settle down at last." She cupped [y/n]'s face, smiling sincerely at her, then reached across her to Julian, and he recoiled instinctively, but she patted his cheek with affection and brushed a lock of hair behind his ear. She sighed deeply, rubbed his shoulder, and squeezed [y/n] one more time before standing up, wiping the corner of her eye with her back to them. "Yes, well." She frowned at Julian. "Are you done, child?"

"Oh my god. Yes!" He turned the bowl upside-down.

"Then what are you waiting for? Bring [y/n] her clothes and get out of my hut! I've got things to do."

Julian rushed to do so, happily, as he was already overwhelmed with this chapter of family reunions. He helped [y/n] into her cloak, grabbed his coat, and they were swept to the door.

"Take good care of her, you," Mazelinka told Julian, wagging her finger at him. "Make sure she sleeps and eats."

"Of course, I will."

"I know. Come here." She summoned him down to her, and he bent with exaggerated wariness. But Mazelinka only pressed a kiss to his cheek, then pulled [y/n] into a hug. "And you make him sleep and eat with you," she said, then added in a whisper: "Blackmail him a little, say you won't if he doesn't, or he won't at all."

"What?" Julian leaned to them, brows furrowed. "What was that?"

[y/n] smiled at Mazelinka. "I'll remember this. He'll be fine, I promise."

"I know, sweetie." She kissed both her cheeks, then sighed again. "Alright, enough. Off you go! It's almost noon!"

"Why the hurry, Maz?" Julian smirked, walking backwards, holding [y/n]'s hand. "Worried you'll miss that herb vendor at the market? Are they still making goo-goo eyes at you?"

"You better shut it or I'll make goo out of your eyes. Now go already! And tell Pasha I want the three of you here for dinner tomorrow."

"Will do. Bye, dear."

"Bye bye, my loves," she said, then shut the door.

Julian sighed with relief. He searched [y/n]'s eyes. "So? How are you? It wasn't that bad, was it?"

She shook her head and cuddled to him, slipping her arms underneath his coat. "No, it wasn't."

He hugged her dearly. "See? I told you. And it'll go the same with Pasha, I promise. We'll tell her what happened and everything will be fine again." He drew away to kiss her lips. He took in her face and beamed. "My god, it's so good to see you smile again."

"You two, my love," she murmured, pulling him close for another kiss, and he hummed into it. "Are we going straight to the palace?"

"I have been thinking about it. It's too early. Pasha works until late afternoon, doesn't she?"

"I think so. Yes."

"So how about we…" He flashed her a charming smile, a half-lidded look. "...go back to my place and…"

She bit back a chuckle. "Have a nap?"

Julian hunched and groaned. " _ Yes _ . I can't believe I'm saying this but I need a nap."

"Did Maz scare you into sleeping?"

"Not really, no. But I am tired. I've been stressed out since I left, so now, when things have been going so well, I feel like I could sleep for a week."

She cooed sympathetically and kissed him again, and they walked to Julian's flat and went to bed. They lied down, facing each other, holding hands, gazes locked. They shared a few kisses and caresses before they drifted off, finally able to let go a little bit; finally feeling they were on their way to a happy ending.

They woke up a couple of hours later when the sun was already setting. They went out to have dinner ([y/n]'s treat this time), again didn't eat much, again too nervous. Then, they set off to the palace, embraced, shielding each other from the cold. They sneaked in through the old, secret entrance in the limestone wall and headed to Portia's cottage. There were lights on. They stopped at a distance, kissed for courage, then came up and knocked.

" _ Coming! Who is it? _ "

"Um…" Julian shared a look with [y/n]. "It's me!"

Silence answered and a moment later, they heard steps. The door swung open to reveal a dumbstruck Portia behind it.

Julian grinned at her. "Hello, baby sister."

_ Slap! _ came her hand across his face.

Julian rolled his jaw and touched his burning cheek. "Okay, I guess I deserved it."

"Hell yeah you did!" she screamed, tears shining in her eyes. "How dare you disappear without a word?! How dare you leave me again?! You bastard!" She swiped at his face again but he ducked and got it only on the shoulder. Still, he winced. "And you've got the nerve to come back six months later and just… just…  _ drop by _ and say  _ hello _ ?! You asshole!"

"Um… Five months, to be exact."

"Jerk!" she shrieked and threw another punch at his shoulder, which he humbly took. "I hate you!"

"Ohh, did I miss your sweet mouth and gentle little hands," he teased her.

"Shut up!" She stomped. "You left without me again, and again you come to me empty-handed! Are you stupid or just insolent?"

"Well… Not exactly  _ empty-handed _ ," he noticed with a careful smile and stepped aside to reveal [y/n] hiding behind his back.

Portia gaped at her. Then, she glared at Julian. "Are you fucking kidding me?!" she snarled. "You bring  _ her _ here?"

Julian raised a hand. "Let me explain."

"As if I wanted to listen to any of you, you...!"

"Please! It wasn't like I told Maz! I was wrong. We were both wrong. It was Asra's doing."

Portia's eyes shone.  _ A drama _ . "What the hell are you talking about?"

Julian pulled [y/n] to stand at his side and put an arm around her shoulders. "Can we come in first?"

Portia hesitated. She looked at him, at her, and by some feminine intuition - at her belly almost invisible under the cloak.

Her eyes went wide. She pointed a finger at it. "Whose is it?"

[y/n]'s face burnt and she put a hand on her stomach in a useless attempt to hide it.

"Ours," Julian clarified patiently. He risked a little, sly smile. "I'll tell you everything once we're inside. Surely you won't let the mother of your niece or nephew stand in the cold like this, will you?"

Portia gasped at the audacity of his. But when her gaze fell again to [y/n]'s belly, her face softened and a blush of excitement bloomed on her cheeks.

She rolled her eyes, just for show, then stepped aside, letting them in. "I'm still furious with you," she informed him. 

"I know. Thank you." He ruffled her hair as he passed by her, and managed to dodge a punch aimed at his ribs.

When Julian was helping [y/n] out of her cloak, Papi shot out from the kitchen and began to feverishly rub her cheeks and sides on their ankles and shins, squealing and meowing with enthusiasm. 

"No, Pepi, don't!" Portia hissed at her. "No joy! Stop it!"

But Pepi ignored her and chirped at Julian talking nonsense to her. He picked her up and cuddled in his arms, and she pawed on his face and got down to licking his chin, purring like an engine.

Portia pouted. Her eyes locked for a second with [y/n]'s, who hadn't left Julian's side since they walked in, standing stiffly, wringing the hem of her shirt - right under her cute, round, little belly.

Portia wanted to touch it so bad. She sighed, giving up, and walked to the kitchen. "Have a seat, guys. I'll make tea."

Julian turned to [y/n] with a smile and Pepi utterly delighted by the neck scratches she was receiving. "Sit down, love. Have a rest."

They sat down at Portia's table, next to each other. Pepi curled on Julian's lap, and he used his free hand to take [y/n]'s and bring it to his lips.

"Don't worry. It's alright. It's going to be over in a minute."

She tried to smile but it turned out sad. "Not really, no."

Julian hummed and kissed her hand again, and again. "I know. But this is another step for us to regain our rightful place among our family and friends." [y/n] nodded. She smiled a little brighter when he pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Soon, the lies will be over, I promise."

She leaned to him and caught his lips with his. "Thank you. I love you."

Portia cleared her throat loudly before she emerged from the kitchen with a tray in her hands. "Alright then." She served them tea and a plate of fresh cookies, then sat across from them and crossed her arms on her chest. "So what happened?"

Events more or less repeated: Julian briefed the story of that day, Portia listened with her mouth open, then stood up, pushed Julian off of his chair (Pepi jumped on the floor with an annoyed whine and trotted away) and took it herself to squash [y/n] with a hug

"Oh dear, oh sweetie! What have they done to you!" she cooed, cradling her to, not as ample as Mazelinka's, but abundant bosom indeed. "Why haven't you told me? Can I touch it?"

"Of course."

"Aww!" she crooned, stroking [y/n]'s belly. "It's so tiny and round! Has it kicked already? Anyway, you should've told me. I would've kicked their asses!"

"Not mine," Julian noticed with a wink, taking the seat across the table. "I was already gone- Ay!"

She straightened up, having kicked him. "Don't make it worse, Ilya!" she scolded him, then kissed [y/n]'s hair. "Have you got any idea what you've done to her? To leave a woman with child like this! Shame on you!"

His face fell. "I know. You're right," he said, voice serious. "And I will feel terrible about it for the rest of my life."

This was not quite the answer Portia suspected. "Well,  _ good _ ," she replied eventually. "You should feel terrible. You should go to hell for this!"

"I've already been to- Okay!" he rushed to agree, having dodged another kick. "Okay. You're right. I am sorry."

[y/n] put a gentle hand on Portia's leg and patted it. "The important thing is that he's back," she said softly.

"Oh yes! Of course! So good he's back to take care of you like he should, and to let me take out my anger on him."

Julian grinned at her mockingly. "I do aim to please."

Portia stuck out her tongue at him but before she could scold him more, there was a knock on the door.

Julian sat up straight in alarm. "Are you expecting anyone?"

"No."

Portia stood up and went to open the door.

There, smiling, was Asra. "Hi! Sorry to come unannounced. I know it's a little late. But Nadi asked me to… to…" The smile died on his lips when he saw [y/n] and Julian inside.

[y/n] jumped to her feet, eyes wide with fear, and Julian did so a split second later. He grabbed her hand and stepped in front of her.

Asra’s face darkened dangerously. "What are you doing here?" he hissed.

"I'm back. For her," Julian explained, straining to sound calm.

Asra bristled. " _ Over my dead body _ ."

Julian snorted. "Save it! It's over. We talked and we know what you did. We know everything."

"Oh, do you? Does  _ she _ ?" Asra growled. He looked at [y/n], tried to lock eyes with her from behind Julian's shoulder. "[y/n]? Honey?" he called her, his voice soft. "Please, could you come here? Would you talk to me?"

She risked a peek at him, then stared back at the floor, wrapping her arm tighter around Julian's forearm.

Asra took a step inside but Portia stood right in his way.

He blinked in confusion. "Let me in, please. I just want to talk to [y/n]."

"She won't talk to you," she growled at him, head held high. "She's scared of you!"

"Scared of  _ me _ ?" His brows shot up. "She's got no reason to be scared of me! I'm her friend! [y/n], please!" he called to her. His face contorted when she still refused to answer, but he scowled at Julian a second later. "Ilya, let her come to me!"

He shook his head. "I'm not stopping her."

Still, neither of them moved, so Asra took another step inside and this time, Portia didn't hesitate to push him away.

"Back off, magician! I know tricks, too, and I'll make your teeth disappear if you don't leave them alone!"

He ignored her. "Ilya, let go of her! [y/n]! Come here!" he yelled, his composure cracking.

[y/n] flinched and hid fully behind Julian's back, squeezing his hand and forearm bruisingly hard. She pressed her forehead between his shoulderblades and shook her head.

"She doesn't want to see you," Julian said for her.

"Let her speak for herself!" Asra snarled. 

"Like you did back then?!"

Asra bared his teeth at him, his face hot and eyes narrowed. "Ilya, you son of a- "

"She didn't ask you to speak for her then," he cut him off. "but she's asking me now and I'm telling you to fuck off!"

"[y/n], please!" Asra called her one more time, softly, desperately.

"I'm not kidding," Portia warned him, her hands on her hips, standing tall and proud despite the height difference.

Asra looked at her, then threw Julian one last glare. His eyes softened only when he addressed [y/n]. "I'll be waiting at home." After this, he turned around and left.

Portia shut the door behind him and let out a sigh. "Ugh! I can't believe it! And he seemed like such a good guy. But you were right. There is something dark about him. What a creep!"

Meanwhile, Julian turned to [y/n] and pulled her into his arms, and she slumped, bursting with tears.

"Why is he like this?" she sobbed. "Why is he doing this?"

"Hush, my love, hush," he cooed into her hair, rubbed her back, swayed them gently. "He's gone now. It's alright now. I've got you, I've got you…"

Portia came up to them, pushed a tissue into [y/n]'s hand and stroked her trembling shoulder. "Don't worry, sweetie. He'll have to go through me before he messes with you again."

[y/n] nodded, covering her hand with hers. "Thanks…"

"Come here, sit down. Do you want more tea? Are you hungry?"

She wiped her eyes and nose, shaking her head.

"Maybe you'd like to lie down for a minute, darling?" Julian offered softly. "Maybe it'll help you calm down?"

[y/n] drew in a shaky breath, turned her teary eyes to Portia. "Actually… If I may."

"But of course!" She took her hand and led her to her bedroom. "Here." She smoothed the sheets and fluffed the pillows. "Don't be shy! We're family now."

"Thank you so much," [y/n] murmured, lying down awkwardly.

Portia covered her with a blanket. "Don't mention it. Pepi!" She looked around. "Here, kitty, where are you? There you are!" She picked her up from the windowsill, where she was napping, and put her down next to [y/n]. "Here, have an eye on her and purr."

Pepi cuddled to [y/n]'s chest and did start to purr.

"Thanks," [y/n] mumbled again, eyes already closed.

Portia left silently. Before she joined her brother at the table, she went to the kitchen and rummaged through a cupboard. Then, she sat down across from him, setting a bottle and two shot glasses between them.

"How is she?" he whispered. 

"Asleep." She uncorked the bottle and poured each of them a glass of translucent liquid.

Julian raised his and smelled it. He couldn't help but smile. " _ Slivovitza _ ? Where did you get it from?"

"Maz, of course." She clinked her glass with him and downed the drink.

"And where did she get it from?"

"One herb vendor from the South End market."

Julian cackled soundlessly. "I knew it. No, thanks," he said when she raised the bottle questioningly. "One's enough."

Portia poured herself another shot. She sipped on it and sighed. "Are you going to stop getting yourself into trouble any time soon, dear brother?"

Julian put his elbows on the table and hunched with his head in his hands, groaning. "I rarely get into trouble on purpose. Usually, trouble finds me."

"At least you're doing something about it now. But,  _ fuck _ !" She drank and waved the empty glass at him. "I still want to rip your head off for leaving me and especially for what you've done to her!"

He nodded pitifully. "I know."

"Just… Ugh! To leave on your pregnant girlfriend! It's disgusting! Even for you."

"I know, I know, you're absolutely right. I mean, I didn’t know she was pregnant when I was leaving but yeah," he sighed. "I'd rip my own head off."

"Good. At least you've got some shame."

"I've got lots of it. Want some?"

Portia ignored him. "And what are you going to do now? I can't imagine this poor thing still living with that psycho, and your joke of a flat is hardly a love nest for a couple, let alone a couple with a baby! Don't tell me you're going to just shack up there with her like some…" she trailed off, seeing Julian reach into his breast pocket and pull out the ring.

He put it on the table and Portia grabbed it right away and looked at it closely. 

"It's Mazelinka's!"

Julian nodded. "She wants me to give it to [y/n]."

Portia drew in a sharp breath, covered her grinning mouth and wiggled excitedly in her seat. "And will you? You should! Why haven't you yet? Don't you want to?"

"I do! Of course I do. I want to so much but… It's just..." He ran his hands through his hair and closed his eyes, frowning. "Pasha, I do love her. I am crazy for her and I can't imagine being without her again. I want to be there for her, and our baby, and I will be, no matter what, but..."

"But what?"

He raised his tortured gaze to her. "Don't you think it's not the right time? I've just returned, we've barely gotten back together and talked only to you and Maz, and there's still Nadia and, worse yet, Asra. And she's pregnant! You've seen her, it's so much for her. She's exhausted and so sad and scared." He sighed and rubbed his face. "I'm… I'm just afraid, you know, that now, a proposal would be only another problem for her, and I want to help, not add load to her shoulders. And I will help her.  _ Them _ . I'll take care of them no matter if I propose or not, if she'll say yes or no."

Portia's eyes glistened with tears as she listened. Her chin crumpled and lip trembled.

"What?" Julian stirred nervously. "What did I say? Am I wrong? Am I being stupid again?"

She shook her head frantically and bit her lip. "No! No, no, no. Actually," She chuckled and sniffled. "for the first time ever, I think, you're being responsible and, and… so thoughtful. So reasonable. Mature!"

Julian couldn't help but smile under the avalanche of compliments. "Thank you. It's… so nice of you."

"Wow, you've grown so much! You're not the same moron who pushed everyone away claiming they'd be better off without you anymore."

The smile died on his lips. "Thanks."

"Not the same idiot who used to blame himself for all the wrong in the world."

"I get it, Pasha, thank you."

"Nor the coward who used to flee the moment- "

" _ Thank you _ . Thanks. That's quite enough."

Portia wrinkled her nose playfully. She nudged his foot under the table and passed him the ring. "I'm really proud of you, Ilyusha."

A smile again brightened up his face, but it quickly faded, overshadowed with worry. "So what do you think?" he asked, turning the ring round and round in his fingers. "Should I wait?"

Portia leaned her cheek on her hand. "I think yes. You're right. The poor thing is a wreck. Let her recover."

Julian nodded. "I will. Thank you."

"Hey." She squeezed his hand. "It's gonna be okay. You've got it."

"Yeah… I wish I did."

"You do."

Julian let her coax her to drink another round with her - for good luck. But then, he made her put the bottle and glasses away. Portia did but not without noticing that his mature version was boring.

Sometime later, [y/n] woke up and sheepishly emerged from the bedroom, with Pepi still dutifully purring at her feet. But it was late, and she was still tired, so after dodging Portia's heartfelt offers of food and drinks, Julian managed to dress them up and reach the door. Portia only insisted on giving [y/n] one of her shawls, as it was cold outside, and [y/n] had no other choice but to let her wrap her with it. She smiled and they hugged dearly, and Portia one more time touched her belly, stating with absolute confidence that it was a boy. Finally, she and Julian kissed goodbye, and he remembered to tell her that Mazelinka invited them for dinner, and they were on their way. 

It started to snow. They marched on through the dark streets sprinkled with whiteness, hiding from the chill and icy stings of snowflakes under his coat, sharing the warmth, and [y/n] pulled the soft, thick shawl over her head. It smelled of fresh laundry and lavender.

It smelled of home.

Tired, cold and scared, but hopeful, they arrived at the South End. They turned around the corner, so quickly, just to get inside and to bed already, that they noticed the figure waiting at Julian's door only when they got close enough to see their face through the shadow of their colourful hood.

They stopped and backed away.

Julian stepped in front of [y/n]. "What are you doing here?" he growled.

But Asra was looking only at her. "You didn't come home."

She hesitated but eventually, raised her eyes to him, moved with how sad and hurt he sounded.

"Of course she didn't," Julian scoffed. "How could she after what you've done to her!"

Asra glared. "Don't get me started on what you have done."

They held each other's gaze, hateful, challenging, daring to say more or hit first.

But Julian stayed put. "I told you to fuck off."

"I will when I hear it from her."

Julian was already moving towards him, fists clenched, teeth bared, when [y/n] put her arm across his chest. "It's alright. I'll talk to him," she told him softly.

He wanted to protest, to forbid it, to just grab her and run away from all of this, but he pressed his lips together and nodded. He let her go from behind him, his hand never leaving her waist, eyes fixed warningly on Asra.

"Please," he whispered as if for Julian not to hear. "Come home with me and let me explain."

She shook her head. "What is there left to say? We know what you did. We know how you tricked us."

"But do you know why?"

"I do," she breathed, throat clenched, tears filling her eyes all over again. "And it was wrong, Asra. I know you don't like Julian, I know what you think about him, but you can't meddle in my life like this. I love you and I owe you everything I've got but you just can't!"

Asra stared at her wide-eyed. A mirthless chuckle bubbled up his throat. "Forgive me, honey, but you either are stupid" He shot Julian a dirty look. "or know nothing at all!"

[y/n] squared her shoulders proudly and stood closer to Julian. "I might be. And I might not know much. But I do know that friends are not supposed to lie to each other."

"I did it to protect you," he replied at once.

"But I wasn't in danger!" she yelled, cracking up, tears running down her cheeks. Julian embraced her tighter. 

"But- "

"And I'm not a child! I'm not your pet! I can take care of myself and you must stop making decisions behind my back!"

"All I ever did- "

"No, Asra!"

" -was for your good. It was to save you pain and tears."

She stared at him, disbelieving, miserable. Then, she snorted and wiped her face with the back of her hand. "And how is it turning out, huh?"

If Asra felt ashamed, he didn't show it. He only frowned. "He wasn't supposed to come back."

"But he did. And I'm happy he did. I never wanted him to leave in the first place."

Asra huffed, closed his eyes, seeking patience. "You've no idea what you’re talking about."

"Stop it already!" she snapped at him, voice breaking. "It's not up to you who I love."

"But it's a bad choice."

"But it's mine! He's mine! And I'm his."

"Are you really going to stand by him?" Asra's composure broke and he growled at her. "By a drunk and a slut? [y/n], I know him longer and better than you and I'm telling you - he's a bottomless pit! He can't get satisfied no matter how much attention and affection he gets! He always wants more until you've got nothing to give!"

She shook her head stubbornly. "You're wrong, Asra. You know nothing about him."

"So how did I know he'd leave?!" he burst. "How did I know what to say to break him?! And you know what? It was just too easy! He didn't even bother to talk to you! This is what your beloved is! A spineless coward!"

[y/n]'s eyes were cold on Asra's face twisted with hatred and fury, but she listened patiently, embraced by Julian and holding him back. After all, she'd heard it all before.

"At least he doesn't lie," she said quietly when he finished. 

"And I don't flee the moment it gets hard!" he replied without missing a beat. "I don't fuck around when left unsupervised or stuff my cock in anything that makes pretty eyes at me!  _ I _ wouldn't break your heart just because I can't control myself!"

"But you did break it!" she yelled, almost stomping, fists twisted in frustration on Julian's jacket. 

"I didn't- "

"You did!" She pointed an accusing finger at him. "Didn't you see what you'd done to me? How miserable I was? Don't you care? Don't you care you hurt both Julian  _ and _ me?"

Only then did Asra give up. His face softened and he hunched, looking so very tired. "I do care," he breathed. "I care about you more than myself. And I'm sorry. I didn't mean… I just…" He sighed. "I thought you'd be fine by now. I'm sorry, [y/n]." He searched her eyes. "I just wanted you to be happy."

"But I was," she snarled in answer. "Why couldn't you accept that?"

"[y/n]! Fuck!" He moved and pulled on his hair in utter frustration. "I will not accept him! He would hurt you, talk his way back into your heart, then hurt you again and again!"

"Lately, only you've been hurting me."

"I'm just trying" he uttered as if she was stupid. "to protect you."

"I've got people to protect, too." She leaned into Julian's embrace and put her hand under her belly.

Asra at last noticed it. His eyes went round for a second, then his face fell. "Oh no, honey…" he groaned compassionately. He took a step towards her, hand outstretched. Julian pulled her away, but Asra didn't seem to notice. "So that's why…" He looked into her eyes so softly, so sadly. "Why didn’t you tell me? I could've helped. We could've gotten rid of it when it was still early."

[y/n]'s face contorted but she didn't crumble. She clung to Julian. "That's why I didn't tell you."

Asra tensed as if she slapped him. His gaze darkened again, his chest heaved. "Do you really want this?" he asked, voice low. "To be his bitch  _ and _ mother to his bastards?"

"That's enough!" Julian snapped. 

It went so fast…

Within a blink of an eye, Julian got to Asra and his fist went across his face, and blood spluttered on the fresh snow. [y/n] got to Julian and grabbed his shoulder, and a light burst from Asra's hands, pushing Julian away with enough force to smash him flat against the wall.

With [y/n] still behind his back.

She screamed and fell to the ground, coughing, whimpering, her hand on her stomach.

Julian collapsed next to her with a wail of pain. He clutched to his ribs and clenched his teeth, and pushed himself up to his knees, groaning and grimacing. He put a shaky hand on [y/n]'s shoulder. "Da- arling?" he choked out, running out of breath. "You... okay? Sorry- I'm sorry!"

"I'm- I'm fine," she murmured but yelped when Julian took her under her arm to help her sit down.

"[y/n]!" Asra ran up to them, wiping blood from his mouth. "I can help…"

"Get away from her!" Julian yelled at him, moving to cover her. "GET AWAY! You've done enough! GO!"

Asra flinched and hesitated. Again, he looked for her eyes.

She met his gaze. "Asra, go," she breathed, quietly but firmly.

His eyes watered and he blinked but nothing more. He nodded shortly and turned around to disappear behind the corner.

Julian let out a breath he was holding and slumped on his forearm, pressing his lips together to silence himself.

He felt her hand on his arm. "Sweetheart?" she choked out weakly with her throat clenched with pain and tears. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Nothing that can't wait." He forced himself to straighten up and kneel on one knee. His face was ashen white and temples streaked with cold sweat but he didn't hesitate to cradle her into his arms and heave her up. Another painful grunt escaped his throat.

[y/n] watched his face with growing worry. "No, Julian, put me down. You're hurt!"

"It's nothing," he uttered, carrying her to the door, elbowing it open.

"Julian, I can walk. I'm okay and you're in pain!" she protested, seeing him take each step slowly, heavily, grunting and sighing with effort.

" 'm fine," he muttered through gritted teeth, continuing his way upstairs.

Once in the flat, he almost ran to the bed. He was panting through his nose, lips pressed into a fine line as he bent to put [y/n] down as gently as possible.

When he straightened up, her eyes fell to a bloody stain blooming on his torso. "You're bleeding!"

"I'm fine, I'll wait," he persisted, rushing to the bathroom for his medical bag.

"Julian…" She rose to her elbows. 

"Darling, please!" He came back and sat down with a loud groan he didn't manage to muffle.

"Julian!" [y/n] sat up and gripped his shoulder, and tried to undo his jacket but he pushed her away ever so gently. Or rather - weakly.

"No. Please. Just- Just- " He gasped and screwed his eyes shut and bit his lip, evidently struggling to keep quiet. When he looked back at her, his eyes were wet and blurry. "Just let me examine you, please."

[y/n] held his gaze, being in two minds, but eventually, she forced herself to lie back. Apparently, the faster he'll see she's alright, the sooner she'll take care of him.

"Thank you," he murmured, panting, gasping, pale as a sheet, brow sweaty. He undid and parted her cloak with trembling fingers. He fished out his stethoscope from the bag. He put the earpieces in his ears and listened to her belly. Simultaneously, he felt her ribs. "Does anythi- " he ran short of breath. He swallowed. "..hurts?"

[y/n] frowned, worried to the limit. "No."

"You sure?"

"Yes. It hurt only for a minute. It passed."

"Your… pulse. It's quick."

"Because we're focusing on me while you're bleeding out! I'm going out of my mind!"

He mumbled something intelligible and felt her belly once more. But then, he nodded, removing the earpieces. "I think... you're fine. Both of you."

[y/n] sat up. "Can I take care of you now?"

He nodded again, putting the stethoscope aside. He looked like he might faint at any moment and this time, didn't nor couldn't protest when she undid and took off his jacket.

Underneath, his shirt was soaked with blood, already leaking into his trousers.

"Oh Julian…" [y/n] gasped in horror. She opened the shirt - under his heart, surrounded by purple bruise, a wide, long wound bled abundantly. "Fuck…"

"That bad?" He tried to smirk but ended up wincing in pain by only looking down on himself. "Fuck indeed…"

"You're lucky if your ribs are whole. Have you got needles and strings in here?" she asked, rummaging through the contents of his bag. "Bandages? Alcohol?"

"Sure," he mumbled, swaying slightly.

As messy as his desk could be, the bag was thoroughly and neatly equipped. [y/n] found everything she needed the second she blinked her tears away and focused.

She grabbed a pillow from the head of the bed and put it behind Julian. "Lie down."

He shook his head. "I'll faint if I do," he attempted to chuckle.

"Then faint." She pushed on his shoulder, and he had no choice but fall on his back. "It's going to hurt."

He had another brave remark in stock but it went out as a weak mumble. His head rolled limply to the side, eyes fluttering closed.

[y/n] got down to work. She took a few deep breaths, put a hand on his stomach and cupped his cheek with the other, and put on him the best healing and pain killing spells she could recall at that moment. Then, she poured the alcohol over the wound. Julian only winced and whined quietly at that, unconscious indeed. But he was silent when she began to stitch him. Soon, his breathing evened out, some colour rose to his cheeks and he stopped sweating. He looked like he was sleeping, nothing more.

[y/n] missed the moment when he woke up and watched her try to simultaneously press a piece of gauze to the wound and squeeze a roll of bandage under his back.

"I'll better sit up," he murmured.

She seemed reluctant for a second but had to agree. "Just slowly."

"Yes, doctor," he grinned, making her snort as she helped him up.

"Were you exaggerating" she murmured. "or did I do so well that you can flirt already?" She put his hand on the gauze. "Press on it."

"You did amazing, love. I didn't doubt for a second if I was in good hands." He peeked under the patch. "A piece of art, truly. I wouldn't do it better."

"Please, keep pressing."

Sitting next to each other, she started to roll the bandage around his torso. Julian put his arm around her shoulders to give her better access and both of them some comfort. He leaned in, kissed the top of her head. 

"Julian," she chided him softly.

"Sorry." He sat up straight.

"Carefully. Isn’t it too loose?"

"No, darling. It's perfect."

She ripped the bandage in half, wrapped it around him and tied it securely. She scrutinised her work, then sighed deeply, hunching. Julian made a move to pull her near but she stood up and sat down at his other side. She threw her arms around his neck and dipped her fingers in his hair.

"Hey, hey!" he cooed, hugging her back. "What is it? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," she choked out. "I'm just so tired. And I was so scared." She pressed her lips to his temple and cheek again and again. He turned his face to her and she kissed him, hard, almost desperately. She stroked his cheek, looked deep into his eyes. "Are you okay, my love? How are you feeling?"

"Surprisingly well."

"I healed you a bit."

He frowned. "You shouldn't have! You need strength and- "

She cut him off with another kiss. "I need  _ you _ ." She kissed him until he seemed at least a little convinced. "Only you. Nobody else. I love you, Julian. You're all I've got. I can't lose you."

He broke into a little smile, his eyes avoiding hers. He pecked her cheek, then pulled her close and rubbed her shoulder. "I love you, too," he breathed into her hair. "You've no idea how much."

"I think I do," she assured him, cuddling to his side.

He didn't answer, only held her dearly, stroked her arm and thigh and belly, and kissed her hair, savouring this as if it was the last time he could touch her.

"I can hear you think again," she noticed softly. Julian expected her to say it but stilled and tensed either way. She raised her head from his shoulder, searched his eyes. "What's wrong?"

He locked eyes with hers, only for a second before he looked away, but it was enough for [y/n] to see fear in them.

"What is it?"

He bit his lip and took his hands off of her.

"Julian, you're scaring me." She touched his forearm. Her heart clenched at how his hand curled into a fist under her caress. "Talk to me, please."

"[y/n]… Darling…" he hesitated. "What Asra said… What he said about me… And you..."

"No, hey, listen to me." She cupped his cheeks and made him face her. "Don't think about it. I've heard it a hundred times from him and I've never believed it and I won't even if I'll hear it a hundred times more."

"But- "

"If you used to do something, it doesn't matter because you don't do it anymore. And I don't care what you did before we got together or when you were gone because I know you don't do it now. Now, you're with me, and nothing else matters."

"No, [y/n]." He held her wrists and gently pushed her hands away from his face. "He meant something I did when we were together."

A chill ran down her spine. She wrapped her arms around herself. "What do you mean?"

"That night… Five months ago. Do you remember it?"

She shrugged. "I do. We've talked about. What's more to it?"

Julian saddened. "No, we've talked about the morning, and I mean the night before."

[y/n] looked away, trying to recall. She shrugged again, straining to stay calm despite her senses yelling at her that something was very, very wrong. "We were at the shop. We talked, then went to bed. That was all."

"No, darling." He looked at her, but quickly averted his gaze as if he was ashamed. "We had a fight, remember?"

Sha stared at him for a long while, brows knit. "I… don't know. Maybe."

"We did. I was annoyed we had to tiptoe around the shop to make sure Asra wasn't there or move your clothes back and forth to my place if he was," he explained, twisting his fingers, gaze fixed on them. "That night, I suggested you move in with me. And you refused."

"I…" She opened and closed her mouth. "I didn't want to leave Asra alone. Not so soon, not after everything had finally fallen back into place. It was too early to- "

"You- Sorry," he interrupted her. He rubbed his neck. A blush was creeping up on it. "That's exactly what you told me then."

"Okay." She looked at her hands on her lap, then shrugged again. "So what if we had a fight? Couples fight."

"Well," he cleared his throat. "I felt bad about your refusal and reasons behind it. Probably took it too personally… I think I got jealous."

"Julian," [y/n] sighed, sounding tired. "Asra is like a sibling to me."

"I know, I know." He rubbed his face, took a deep breath. "Anyway, I felt bad and wanted to leave but you made me stay. We made up,  _ kinda _ , and went to bed but I was still angry. And I couldn't rest. So I waited for you to fall asleep. And left." He peeked at her. "To the Raven."

[y/n] was observing him, trying to read him, trying to keep at bay the craziest ideas rising in her mind. Still, she moved an inch away from him and narrowed her eyes. "What did you do?"

Julian's face and neck were positively burning. "I… drank too much."

He paused after this statement. [y/n] scoffed impatiently. "Are you confessing to me that you  _ got drunk _ ?"

"No…"

"Then what?" Julian remained silent. He flinched when she snapped, "Spit it out!"

"I… I…" He squeezed his eyes shut, his face contorted with the worst emotions. "There was... a girl."

[y/n] stared at him, chest heaving, cheeks burning, fists clenched. " _ You fucked her _ ," she snarled.

He wouldn't meet her gaze when he nodded.

[y/n]'s heart broke. Her whole body quaked with cold that suddenly washed over her. Then, her blood boiled. "And Asra saw you."

Julian nodded again. "I suppose so."

She stood up abruptly, turned her back on him. She walked a few steps away as if meaning to leave but stopped mid-step and turned and came at him, making him try and back away on the bed. "And you're telling me this  _ now _ ?"

"I wanted to tell you earlier, I swear!" he assured her fearfully. "I never meant to hide it from you but the moment never seemed right. There was always something to do first. And..." At last, he found courage to look at her, eyes desperate, pleading. "And I was so happy to have you back."

[y/n]'s hand shot up as if to hit him, but Julian only screwed his eyes shut; he didn't even cover his face.

Seconds passed. Eventually, she curled it into a fist and lowered. "You will tell me everything," she uttered through gritted teeth. 

"Please, [y/n]- "

"You are  _ not! _ " she shrieked. The glass in the windows quaked. Julian shrunk. "in position to ask me of anything! Tell me what happened  _ right now _ !"

Julian gulped. Tears spilled down his reddened cheeks. "I- I- I found some of my friends at the bar," he uttered. "We were talking, drinking... I, I don't remember when she sat with us. She sat… next to me. Close. But the booth was tight, there were a lot of us. And I, I was so wasted... I don't even remember her face now. I didn't even get her name. But she… She was laughing. She was touching me." He paused, hoping she'd let him stop. But when he peeked up at her, he met her cold, waiting eyes. "I, I don't remember much, [y/n], I swear, I was- "

"Try harder then," she growled.

"[y/n]…"

She cocked her head. "Was she pretty?"

He looked up at her, eyes wide with shock. He didn't think about it like this. How could anyone be pretty to him? How, when [y/n] was the most beautiful? Even now, when she was glaring at him, wishing looks could kill.

He was taking too long to answer, so [y/n] huffed like an angry cat. "Did Asra hit you on the head, too? I asked if she was pretty."

Julian wanted to swallow but his throat was dry and clenched. "I guess…"

"What happened next," she demanded, not asked. 

"I think we danced. I think… she was kissing my neck, rubbing herself on me."

"Go on."

"But I danced with other people, too," he tried to explain. 

"Oh! It's so much better!" she mock-laughed, and Julian almost thought she meant it. "Did you fuck with other people, too, then?"

He hunched. "No."

"Go on."

He raised his wet, pleading eyes to her. "I swear I don't remember who took whom behind the bar, I swear, I don't!"

"Do you think it's any excuse?"

He looked back at the floor. He shook his head.

"Go on."

He covered his mouth and kept shaking his head. "[y/n], please…"

"Go. ON!"

"We…" His voice broke. "We did it there."

"Did what?"

"[y/n]…" he begged.

But she was merciless. "Come on, silvertongue! I remember all the times you whispered into my ear all the dirty things you wanted to do to me! Now just do it again!"

"Please, no!" He huddled up with his head in his hands. "No, I can't- I, I- "

"You can't what?! You  _ can _ fuck a random girl against a wall but  _ can't _ speak about it? Are you kidding me?!"

"[y/n], I'm sorry! I'm so sorry- !"

"Did you kiss?" she went on.

Julian sobbed. "Y-yes."

"Was she good?"

"Please!" He shook his head, frantically, pulling on his hair. "Oh [y/n], please! I'm sorry!"

"Stop mewling and answer me. Did you touch her?"

He sniffled, bit his lip to stop another sob, still shaking his head. "Yes…" 

"Where?"

He slid off of the bed and to his knees. "[y/n], I'm begging you, don't make me!"

She wasn't moved. "Did you touch her face?"

"I guess so," he breathed, surrendering.

"Her hair?"

"Yes."

"Her back?"

"Yes."

"Her tits?"

"[y/n]!"

"Did you?!"

"I think so, yes!"

"Her waist? Her hips? Her thighs?"

"Oh [y/n],  _ please _ !"

"Answer me!"

"Yes! Yes, I think so, yes!"

"Did you put your fingers in her?"

"[y/n]…! I, I'm not sure, I- "

"Did you turn her around or picked her up?"

"I, I… Picked her leg up."

"So you do remember something!" she exclaimed and clapped. "Great! What else did you bother to remember? That she was wet? Hot? Tight?"

He was crying freely now. " _ Please _ , _ please, _ " he whimpered, pressing his fists to his forehead. "I don't… I don't…"

"Did she feel good? Was she loud when you fucked her?"

"[y/n], please…!"

"Did she moan your name? Or did she forget to get yours, too?"

His head snapped up to her. "Please!  _ Enough! _ "

"Why?" She bent over him, her teeth bared, eyes narrowed, wet. "Does it  _ hurt _ ? Ohh, you  _ poor thing _ !" She huffed again, then turned around with a swish of her skirt and marched towards the stairs.

His eyes went round with fear. "[y/n]? No, darling, no, please don't leave!" He heaved himself up to his feet and followed her. "Let me explain! My love! Please..."

She didn't answer. She buttoned up her cloak, not stopping, not looking back. But when he touched her elbow, she spinned around and struck him right in the wound.

Julian bent in half with a choked groan and fell to his knees, breath catching in his throat. 

"Don't you touch me," she hissed before she ran downstairs and shut the door, leaving him to stew in guilt and pain.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> You can scream at me on tumblr [santamalgastadora](https://santamalgastadora.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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